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The Nine Circles of Football Hell - Volume 3

Photo by Steve Apps, State Journal

By Jeremy Dennis


Another week and another group of football participants are venturing into the inferno. The one notable exception being the Miami Dolphin fan base. It is going to be a long year for those folks. Let’s see who gets their rumps toasted this week:

Circle 1 - Limbo

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish. It was a tough loss down in Athens for the Irish. Now they must play out their schedule and see what happens with their playoff chances. It is entirely possible that they could run the table as they only “ranked” teams they play are Michigan, Virginia, and USC. These shouldn’t strike fear into anyone based on their current play. If the Irish go 11-1, do they get to leapfrog a conference champion? If only they weren’t independent...

Circle 2 - Lust

Daniel Jones haters. Yeah, you know who you are (you can’t see it, but I am also raising my hand). Not only did he win his first start in Tampa, but he also did it without the services of Saquon Barkley for most of the game. He also did it by running it in himself with a minute left against the Buccaneers. That dude’s got some balls. Us haters behind the computer screens? Not so much.

Circle 3 - Gluttony

The UCLA second half against Washington State. Now let me get this straight: UCLA in its first three games score 42 points. In the second half against the Cougars, the Bruins put up 50. That is 1.67 points a minute for us math nerds. Wow, I didn’t think the Washington State defense was bad, but 50 points?!? IN A HALF?!? Against a winless team?!? Yikes.

Circle 4 - Greed

Author’s note: I am still not changing this paragraph. Although the Dolphins are getting

“better”. I will underline my changes: C’mon Dallas Cowboys, will you stop scoring on Miami already? After the first 31, you should have just let Tony Romo run the football. Lord knows, he would have done it. Heck, you should have just knelt on the ball while the floundering fish tried to run some offense. 31 points later, the Cowboys now have every fantasy football owner trying to get the entire offensive team on waivers.

Circle 5 - Anger

Anyone who is a fan of the 3:30 CBS SEC game of the week. They are showing Ole Miss and Alabama. Really?!? That is the best you have? You are telling me that this will be a better game to watch than Texas A&M-Arkansas, South Carolina-Kentucky, or Auburn-Mississippi State? Someone has some explaining to do...

Circle 6 - Heresy

The Alabama Crimson Tide. This is for complaining about all of your early games this year. Let’s think about this one for a minute: The schedule has been thus - Duke, New Mexico State, South Carolina, and Southern Miss. The combined score of these games has been 201-43. Why does anyone outside of the State of Alabama want to see any of that? Exactly. They don’t. The good news is that you have complained enough to set the 3:30 game on CBS this week. See: Circle 5.

Circle 7 - Violence

The Michigan Wolverine fan base. Go Big Blue? More like Go Big Blew. After sleep-walking through their first two games, Wisconsin laid the Jonathan Taylor hammer on them in Madison on Saturday. It is starting to become more obvious that Harbaugh needs to spend less time taking his kids on trips and ripping the SEC and spend more time assessing coaching and talent. Michigan still has to face five teams in the top-25. If he loses them all, that will be a losing season.

Circle 8 - Fraud

The Cleveland Browns. All of this firepower. All of the pundits loving them in the preseason. All of the Baker Mayfield commercials. The only team they have beaten has been the hapless Jets. Freddie Kitchens called a draw play on 4th and 9. What the absolute hell is that all about? If they don’t get their crap together, they will regress back to a 4-win team.

Circle 9 - Treachery

The Tulane Green Wave. Tied at 31 with 25 seconds to go, Tulane fakes taking a knee from their own 25 and runs to just past midfield. The ensuing play is just a normal, everyday seam route that goes the distance for the victory. Overtime? We don’t need no stinking overtime.

Time to take a breather until our next group of combatants makes their way down to the burning hole. Have a good week and stay out of trouble.

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