By Jeremy Dennis
The group in hell enlarges again this week, much like Sam Darnold’s spleen. Because hell is going to do what hell is going to do. Let’s look at the new lot of football folks that will make their way into Football Hades this week:
Circle 1 - Limbo
The PAC-12. Well, down goes the California Golden Bears. That means the PAC-12 is the only Power 5 conference that does not have an undefeated team….after five weeks. Sheesh. Now, Oregon, Utah, and Washington have to gut it out and hope that one of them finishes their schedule with one loss. Then they have to sit back and hope the top four in the SEC beat up on each other and Ohio State and Oklahoma get a surprise loss.
Circle 2 - Lust
The Clemson Tigers and their fans. Man, those preseason pundits had Clemson in a cakewalk this year. Then all of a sudden, Mack Brown almost beat them in a 21-20 squeaker at Chapel Hill. Things are looking shaky down there. Trevor Lawrence is looking, pedestrian. Is the hair getting in his eyes? Another couple of tight games like that and they might not be in the Playoff. God forbid they lose, then it will be the ACC without a team in the playoff because their schedule strength is as soft as a Serta mattress. This ladies and gentlemen is why all the preseason talk is about as useful as a football bat.
Circle 3 - Gluttony
What the hell was going on in that Tampa Bay-Los Angeles game on Sunday? 95 points, huh? I think Merlin Olsen and Lee Roy Selman also scored in this game. So, the questions remain: Is the Rams defense really this bad? Is Tampa Bay really turning a corner on offense and will be this good? I guess we will find out this week. Oh look, Tampa just scored again...
Circle 4 - Greed
Author’s note: For the fourth time, I am not changing this paragraph. I will underline my changes: C’mon Los Angeles Chargers,, will you stop scoring on Miami already? After the first 30, you should have just let LaDanian Tomlinson run the football. Lord knows, he would have done it. Heck, you should have just knelt on the ball while the floundering fish tried to run some offense. 30 points later, the Chargers now have every fantasy football owner trying to get the entire offensive team on waivers.
Circle 5 - Anger
To anyone who hates the Southeastern Conference. Tired of hearing that the SEC is better than every other conference? Tired of Alabama being number 1 or 2 all year? Tired of ESPN catering to them at every turn? Well, they aren’t going to like that some pundits are calling for three or FOUR (?!?) SEC teams in the College Football Playoff. Relax everyone. There is no way more than two teams in the same conference can get into the playoff. Of the five SEC teams in the AP top ten, there are no less than eight regular-season games in which two of the teams play each other. All of this talk is based on the fact that three of the five teams (LSU, Georgia, and Auburn) already have high profile wins. Teams like Ohio State and Oklahoma do not. Hard to toot your own horn when your biggest opponents thus far have been Cincinnati and UCLA.
Circle 6 - Heresy
Oakland Raider fans. Look, Vontez Burfict’s latest transgression was probably not as severe as others. I also understand that there was a certain someone in Baltimore who was trying to choke a certain high profile wide receiver out during the game. There are also other receivers that are in trouble for various violent acts. This is not the point. The point is that Burfict is a habitual offender. Just like the drug policy, the penalties will get steeper and steeper. This time, it is a suspension for the rest of the year. I am sorry the Raiders think the league is out to get them, but that is the chance you take for signing him.
Circle 7 - Violence
To the Atlanta Falcons fans. Man, the first half of that Super Bowl was a long time ago wasn’t it? Since I live in Atlanta, I have “enjoyed” listening to all of the complaining on sports radio about how bad the team is and that Dan Quinn needs to be fired. My personal opinion? The offensive and defensive lines are awful and Matt Ryan is now gunshy because of all the hits.
Circle 8 - Fraud
Daniel Snyder. You, sir, are not a good owner. Since Snyder bought the Washington Redskins in 1999, the Redskins have compiled a 135-184-1 record and have only been to the playoffs four times in twenty years. They were in the playoffs more than that in the Decade of the Eighties. This year, they are playing so bad that the Miami game in week 6 could determine the number one pick. Maybe someone could start a GoFundMe page to raise enough money to buy the team.
Circle 9 - Treachery
The University of Maryland. You single-handedly made sooooo many bettors lose money with that false moniker of a good football team. What has happened since you outscored Howard and Syracuse 132-20? You have lost your next two games to Temple and Penn State to the tune of 79-17 including a 59-0 drubbing by the Nittany Lions at College Park. Thievery at its worst.
Speaking of hell, another week and another mostly boring slate of college football games. Only two games pit two ranked teams against each other. Maybe a little gambling and brown liquor will make it better. Have a good week!