The Nine Circles of Football Hell - Volume 8


Photo by Patrick Gorski, USA Today Sports

By Jeremy Dennis

@menace524


It was liquid hell on earth this weekend for the football games on the East Coast. Tropical storm (depression, cyclone, hurricane, whatever it was called) Nestor plowed through making life tough for a lot of teams on Saturday and Sunday. What else was hell this week? Upsets! There were a lot of crazy things that happened over the weekend. Frankly, it was about time. This was weirdest four days of football that we have had this season, in my humble opinion. Let’s get to the hell hole!


Circle 1 - Limbo


The Alabama Crimson Tide. That sound you heard on Saturday night was about 3 million sphincters pinching in Tuscaloosa, Alabama as Tua Tagovailoa was lost to an ankle injury. All of the reports are saying a high ankle sprain is a result. The good news for Alabama is that they have two bye weeks. Ok, they play Arkansas this week. Close enough. The bad news is that LSU is lurking after the real bye-week. Can Tua come back ahead of schedule? If not, can Mac Jones keep that Tide’s hopes alive?


Circle 2 - Lust


The Wisconsin Badgers. Yeah, yeah, I fell for it. I mentioned in passing in a few articles that Wisconsin should be considered in the National Championship discussion. They were number six in the polls and looking forward to a showdown with the Ohio State Buckeyes. Unfortunately, the Badgers were popped in Champaign (see what I did there). The Illini handed Wisconsin their first loss of the season. If memory serves, this is the first time that a Power Five team that was favored by 30-plus points to another Power Five team lost that game since Jim Harbaugh and Stanford did it to USC way back when.


Circle 3 - Gluttony


To the offenses in the Kansas-Texas game. Holy cow! Texas outgained Kansas 638 to 569. Yes, folks. That was 1200 yards of offense and 98 points. I know it is a Big 12 game but I also thought that Texas was supposed to be better than that on defense. Kansas actually scored more than LSU did in Austin. How about that?


Circle 4 - Greed


Fantasy owners of Aaron Rodgers.. So, an Oakland Raider had the audacity to do the Discount Double Check Move on Aaron Rodgers after a sack Sunday. Hey buddy! How do 450 yards and accounting for six touchdowns sound? For those who owned Aaron this week, that was a cool 43 points. If he keeps this up, y’all be lighting $100 bills by December.


Circle 5 - Anger


Congratulations, Texas! You inhabit two circles of hell this week! You allowed almost 600 yards and 48 points to Kansas. AT HOME!!!!! You needed a field goal as time expired to win the game. Look, I know there are a fair amount of injuries that have happened in Austin this year, but there has got to be some sort of standard when you play lesser teams. THIS IS KANSAS WE ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!! I am pretty sure that the last time Kansas won a Big 12 game was against Texas a few years ago. If they keep this play up and they can kiss a second shot at Oklahoma goodbye. Baylor might be taking that spot.


Circle 6 - Heresy


To the Los Angeles Chargers. There they go after Sunday’s loss to the Titans stomping up and down screaming, “We won the game twice!” Uh, no ya didn’t. Replay was spot-on in both instances as Melvin Gordon WAS stopped short of the goal line on first and goal and DID fumble the ball before he broke the plain on second and goal. Frankly, the game should not have come to that had Tennessee actually executed a proper quarterback sneak on fourth and inches with two minutes to play. Sorry, boys.


Circle 7 - Violence


To the Chicago Bears fans. There was sooooooo much blame to go around after the Bears poor showing against the Saints. While I can see that Trubisky can shoulder some of the blame, there was no excuse for the play calling. The Bears ran the ball seven times. Yes, that is George Halas rolling in his grave. The defensive play calling wasn’t much better as they let a back-up QB and running back go up and down the field pretty much at will. You know you are in trouble when the high point of your day is getting an onside kick.


Circle 8 - Fraud


Dan Quinn. What….was….that? The Falcons game versus the Rams was a failure on all levels. It was clear after the first quarter that Atlanta would have no answer for Los Angeles on offense or defense. The team looked uninspired. It almost appeared that the team had quit. I don’t know if the Atlanta head coach has lost his team, but it is probably time to evaluate a buy-out in the ATL.


Circle 9 - Treachery


Georgia Southern and Coastal Carolina. Another instance where both teams get personal fouls before or during a football game. How embarrassing! How shameful! What’s worse, neither team even landed a punch. Why do you ask? Because they weren’t fighting, they were dancing. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The Eagles and the Chanticleers decided to have a dance-off between the third and fourth quarters. The result was 120+ unsportsmanlike penalties and three ejections. Yep, I have seen it all.


Well, that is another weekend of hellish football in the books. Now that we are in the meat of the college football schedule, the games will get more important, the stakes are higher and the mistakes much more pronounced (like the Arkansas punter’s brilliant chest pass to an Auburn defender during a fake punt). That means there will be plenty of opportunities to get one-way tickets to Hades. Enjoy the shenanigans this week!

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