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The Nine Circles of Football Hell - Volume 11

Photo by Nelson Chenault

By Jeremy Dennis


The newest Game of the Century is over. 46-41 LSU. I tell you what needs to be in Hell. Those two damn defenses. 87 points? Really? While they would be worthy candidates for the trip to Hades, I am pretty sure that we can find some better ones. So, let’s hop on that red escalator and go burn some butts!

Circle 1 - Limbo

The next seven teams below the Top 3 in the College Football Playoff. We can all agree that LSU, Ohio State, and Clemson belong in the Top 3. What now? Does Alabama stay in? Where does undefeated Minnesota and Baylor end up? Then there are several one-loss teams like Georgia, Oklahoma, and Oregon. Still, plenty of football left, but it is going to be a tough decision for the next few meetings before Championship Week.

Circle 2 - Lust

The Alabama Crimson Tide. Just blowing teams away week after week. Tua putting up ridiculous video game numbers. Hell, even when he doesn’t play, they drop 50+ on Arkansas. Although, Western Kentucky almost did the same thing. More on that later. Surely, with the Bayou Bengals coming to town, Alabama would be able to extend their winning streak over their southern rivals to nine. Not so fast, my friend. LSU had an answer for everything Alabama did. Every time it looked like the Crimson Tide were going to wrestle momentum away, LSU marched right back down the field and extended leads. In the end, LSU is the clear #1 and Alabama is needing help to get to the Playoff.

Circle 3 - Gluttony

Big 10 offenses that play against Maryland. If you take out Rutgers, here are the scores against the Terrapins when they have played in conference: 59, 40, 34, 52, 38, 73. That is right folks, a smidge under 50 points a game they are giving up. Probably should have stayed in the ACC. Might have been leading a division or something.

Circle 4 - Greed

The Miami Dolphins. What the WHAT!!!!!! Say it with me: Two Wins in a Row! Fitzmagic apparently did not get the “Tanking for Tua” memo. From the betting side, they have actually covered their last five contests. Even better: Their next six games are against the Bills, Browns, Eagles, Jets, Giants, and Bengals. There are possibly four more victories on this schedule. I may have to actually stop bad-mouthing these boys!

Circle 5 - Anger

New Orleans Saints fans. Look, I know this is a rivalry game. I know anything could happen. But 23-9? Against a one-win Atlanta Falcons team? It was like the NFC Champion Atlanta Falcons stopped by to play an alumni game. The Falcons had more sacks in this game then they did their last six contests!!!! I am sure the fans will blame the refs, but to sum it up, it looks like the Saints just got caught with their pants down. Better pull those Levi’s back up before the Thanksgiving game!

Circle 6 - Heresy

Anyone who complains about the first (or second) release of the college football rankings. OH, HOLY COW! CLEMSON WAS NOT IN THE TOP FIVE!!!!! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO!!!! For those whose panties were in a knot: Nothing. Alabama or LSU were going to drop when the game was over. Plus, there was a surprise with the Penn State loss to Minnesota, Patience, my friends. There is a lot of football left.

Circle 7 - Violence

To owners of Phillip Rivers in fantasy football. These owners had to be fretting about losing points every time Rivers dropped back to pass against the Raiders Thursday. The second pass of the game was intercepted then overturned due to penalty. The fourth pass he threw was intercepted. His sixth pass was intercepted. In the second quarter, he had a pass that was intercepted but nullified on an offsides penalty. He fumbled the ball in the third quarter but it was recovered by a teammate. He eventually finished with 10 fantasy points, but it certainly was a roller coaster of emotions.

Circle 8 - Fraud

Chad Morris (ex-) Arkansas Coach. It could quite possibly be the worst coach ever on a Southeastern Conference team. Morris was fired after a demoralizing 45-19 loss to Western Kentucky at home. This was after they lost to San Jose State at home. All tolled, Morris led Arkansas to a 4-18 record with zero, count’em, zero SEC wins. I guess no one could save his bacon (snicker…).

Circle 9 - Treachery

To the Detroit Lions medical team. So, I typically set the lines for Blitzalytics on Wednesday. When I checked the Detroit-Chicago game, it was Chicago (-2.5). I made it a Pick of the Week. On Sunday, I was going to bet a few juice-boxes on the game. I turn on the TV and hear that Matthew Stafford was out with a broken back. HOLY SH*T!!!! I look at the line and it is already Bears (-6.5). Lucky that the Bears still covered, but still. A broken back is not exactly something that just happens. So how do they wait until Sunday to announce? I smell chicanery…

I hope you enjoyed the column. As they say, “Hell hath no fury like fans of snubbed College Football Playoff teams scorned.” Let the complaining begin!



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